My title is slightly misleading. There are teachers and moms out there who look put together and glamorous and effortless at all times. I know they really exist, because I know one. Just thinking about her makes me feel grubby. And she has twins!
Aside from anomalies like my friend, most teachers, and moms, and teacher-moms (the most haggard of the lot) have days where they look a little worn out. A little fuzzy around the edges and a little gray at the roots. A little befuddled and a little befrazzled (and, if small girls are involved, quite likely a little Bedazzled). Are you thinking I am a little punch drunk today? Yes. Yes, I am. Here is why…
Standard style of hair: combed. Or at least slightly combed. At least when I am in front of the bathroom mirror. When my brush hasn’t been stolen and misplaced by my 8 year old, who took it because he cannot find his brush, because it is upside down under the coffee table. No worries though- by the time I get to school, it will have obtained its usual “styled by random breezes and perhaps some mild electrocution” look.
Me: Come ON! We need to get moving!!!!!
Child: This family needs to get organized around here!
Me: I used to be the most organized person around!
Child: You did? YOU???? What happened?
So, if home makes me look unhinged and slightly vague, how are things on the old job front? I teach middle school. No possible problem there….
The math teacher fills 41 sixth graders with pie at 10am and then sends them to my class to write an essay. Repeat all day, but with our 7th and 8th graders.
Question: So what is a french kiss exactly anyway?
Question: You wrote π Day on the board, but you spelled it wrong.
No I didn’t.
You did. There’s no “e” in π.
It says π Day = Pie Day. Think about it.
Question: Why does your handwriting get so much worse at the bottom of
Because I am writing backwards on the bottom of the board while keeping an eye on you.
8th grade girl at lunch: Mrs. Karp, I am getting messages from a creepy middle-aged man because my profile picture is me in a bathing suit.
Me: Tell him you are 13. No, God, please don’t tell him you are 13! There are even creepier men out there! Don’t tell him anything!
Other 8th grader at lunch: You’re telling us, Mrs. Karp? We know; we know.
Me: Sigh. Creepy men were fewer and farther between when I was 13.
Why is there a high pitched buzzing noise when you open the window?
Why is it so hot in here? (Because you all whine if I open the window.)
Where is that weird music coming from? (The math room. They are singing the π song.)
Can we turn off the lights? It’s too bright in here!
Why did you give us ONLY three days to write a two page essay?
(Seriously? Are you kidding me? Because I am giving you 45-60 minutes every day in class to write AND it is your homework!!!)
Yes, I see the time. Yes, it is 3/14 at 1:59. Go ahead and get it out of your system before it gets past 1:59:26. (Some stand and yell “Happy Pi Day!”)
I think I deflated them by being on to their math joke. 3.1415926. Oops.
And, to top off the end the day, a trip to the school library:
A quarter of my reserved dystopian novels are missing, but can I please check out the rest?
No. The librarian is not here.
Will she be back in the morning?
No. She’s still recovering from surgery.
Will the sub here tomorrow?
Yes. Well, no. Maybe.
Ok, well, I’ll leave them here with a note. I have to get kids their books tomorrow because a chunk of them are leaving a week early for spring break and I am supposed to give them homework.
I’m sure we can find someone to check them out for you. But not today.
After a long day, I am at last back to Home Sweet Home and the arms of my loving family.
Your father said you cannot ride your bike to the restaurant.
No. Stop whining!
STOP STOMPING YOUR FEET AND GO TO YOUR ROOM!
PEOPLE WITH THAT ATTITUDE DO NOT GET TAKEN OUT TO DINNER YOUNG MAN!!!!
S*&%, now what’s for dinner?
If anyone needs me, I’ll be hiding under the covers with my teddy bear and a book. Teacher-mom is over and out.
Hey, why does my hair look like it got dried at the drive-through car wash?